The lonely hour

You get in bed , ready to escape into dreamland when it suddenly hits you. Your reality sinks in. You then realise your truth hidden in glimpses,  sort of like a movie preview . You then unconsciously decide to ignore or dwell upon it . Now you are me , and instead of grabbing your cellphone  , to update your facebook  account or falling asleep to the pins on pinterest ( as you would normally do) , you decide to face the huge question marked monsters in your head. Those guys make you question your identity,  your self worth,  your life in general. You come into realisation that you actually don’t have friends , and that the fake or rather fabricated persona and lifestyle you have made, actually puts a strain on your happiness . You have no one to “hot line bling”. You are experiencing your “self”. You are alone.

Just as much as anyone falls victim to this I am no different. In the lonely hour I reflect upon my day,  and try to evaluate my efficiency in productivity and my interactions with other people during the day. The results are usually saddening,  I come into realisation that nothing that I did was spontaneous, or self fulfilling.  I find that I have spent a huge fraction of the given 24 hours on impressing other people and making them happier  (not that it ever does make them happier though) , I mean I do chores, lend a helping hand with moving that,  and buying that, giving that,  passing the other,  but really get no gain from doing so.

And so in the lonely hour I plan out how different I’m making tomorrow be. I tell myself I will achieve this and that as if it depends on me , well some of it does . I then think about my social circles , I then think about how much I dislike her, and how I’m going to stop being friends with him. Guess what,  that never happens the following day

In the lonely hour I dwell upon the string master of this huge puppet show that which  is the life of the human,  on this blue ball we call earth.  I start yearning for knowing and identifying the ruler of creation , the “guy behind me, the guy controlling me. The guy who makes me slave to the demands of others during the day comes to me at night. He makes me feel vulnerable (well I am considering that perhaps its the drowsiness ) , and makes his presence known.

After series of analytical thinking about the existence of a God, I or he then makes me think of “his” word(bible ) , and after feeling lonely, scared, sceptical and desperate for sleep in the lonely hour, one Bible verse in particular comes to mind ;the Lord’s presence is permanent and intimate ( John 14:16- 21 )Word of God for those lonely moments . And after accepting that I have a master who controls me, who makes me make others happy,  I then dose off to sleep hoping that perhaps tommorow shall be more fulfilling,  it never happens , but at least it comforts me in the lonely hour.

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