Know the lesson is learnt when the heart aches.__Busi Mbatha
The phrase is from one of my poems and the poem is titled ASSIGNED. When things happen in our lives , at first hand the mind denies it. The mind refuses to acknowledge this abrupt change within our lives.
Although, there may be definite signs that things aren’t the same anymore, we unconsciously choose to be blind. “Were only as blind as we choose to be” MAYA ANGELOU.
Why? In every aspect of life experience, we tend to have a prescribed version of how things are going to be , before they happen. We have certain expectations, of how things will turn out. This either comes from our fantasies or what people tell us to expect , or what we think will happen because thats how it happened to the next person. So , as a result we narrow the mind to acknowledge only those actions, thoughts, or memories as relatively close to that of our imagination.
Now, these thoughts came over me , when i realised i had hurt the person i loved. I was being critical of every word he spoke and I would draw conclusions about him because he was being like the guy i was told about. Before i started dating , I would often hear about “the guy code” the “dating game rule” the “CCV method ” and all these made me come up with this beautiful monster who would sweep me off my feet, use me and the several girls he had , then leave me ( for his main chick of course ).
I met my inner mirror image. He was chocolate coloured, had a hush voice , a gentle yet stern character , he was grounded but pretty mysterious and my intuitive self was swept off my feet ( oooh ,guess i can check that off my list ).
Obviously because of my prescribed viewpoint , i would look for actions, or things he’d say so as to match him to my expectations. I played it safe but he was being pushed to edge in the midst of it all. He got to the edge and just before he took off he waved goodbye. Haha, i knew i blew it , instinctively. I got on my parachute and jumped off with him, and i saved the day. I saved myself from the death of regret.
When we got to the bottom i vowed to ditch all the rules and to love wholeheartedly. I did just that and i still am, but now im not sure whether i am what i think i am to him, or not. So often i am in doubt of the things he says. He signals bits of truth , and is sincere ( i think ) for the most part. And what i am doing differently ,is that i am not taking any advice from anyone but myself and God himself. Above all , it is the love that i have for him that has brought me to this point. I will not look elsewhere for the questions in my heart, but from our relationship.
I am assigned to learn about us , to learn about him , and to learn even more about myself. We vowed to learn from, and to teach one another. Maybe he sincerely loves me , maybe not. Maybe i am not the only one, maybe i am. The answers lie not within me, but us.
Remember to love wholeheartedly, even if your heart makes you feel likea fool. You will learn along the way , the very relationship is the tool.
I got an assignment to do , please hand me the pen.