I try really hard, but I’m just not wired that way.
I over think things.
Assumptions lead to misinterpretations 

I guess I’m just wired this way
I try to avoid my thoughts, but in that, I’m not living my truth
It’s like sieving my essence
Extracting features I think people find distracting
Misleading…
Them into thinking I am what I am not

I overthink and wrestle my own tongue every time I have to speak.
Sometimes not speak at all …just because of thoughts.

I am just wired that way

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Hours past my bedtime , numbly shuffling fingers down my screen  “face-looking” at peers,  “paging” their “embrace-booking” Facebook accounts.

“Mmm , she’s grown”(LOVE THIS) 😉❤…”well , well,  well,  look at him”(MEEH)😕😑…”cute pic! ( I LIKE)👍”…. “hehe, I like your face( I LIKE)😉👍… making all these comments, liking this , liking that , LOLing  this,  then that , but it all isn’t fun to me anymore. I do that because I remember how it….

…I was 13 years old….it was all I lived for, my esteem depended on it. I would secretly tally my popularity day by day . it made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside seeing the number of likes slowly rising week by week ( …It sort of still does, just in a different way now), but pay attention to my take home message. This is all false confidence  and it kills. It will at some point, at least to someone who is like me.

I would often spend time , working on a perfect selfie (my phone had no frontal camera,  give me credit,  the struggle was for real). A step to the left , another to the right,  “Is this right?”…routinal motion that  became worship to the” selfie Gods” , all in the name of  beauty,  the smart , and the bubbly spirit. Amen!

Soon enough, after a good struggle in the bathroom for the perfect angle, lighting and pose…”image successfully uploaded “….  It felt good being ‘beautiful ‘ ,  being ‘cray ‘, being ‘smart’.

Was I? Am I? Or am I just slowly distorting my truest self? Trying very hard to fulfill a fantasy,  forge a life with no worries.

Truth is, when reality shows its sometimes ugly face, you cannot respond accordingly. When you have to face confrontations , disappointments , or even real life compliments all  that happens is just an electric shock of nerves, a chill down your spine when you can’t respond with an emoji .

Well, that’s what happened to me, to say the least.  It sucks,especially because all those years , practising to be antisocial,  I thought I was a social butterfly. Yes , I was . A social media butterfly and a real life lifeless chrysalis… maybe that isn’t all bad I have always loved butterflies anyways, but spreading my wings to become an eagle appeals to me even more.

So , at least to those that like that, thumbs up I like your face!😉👍

Thank you for reading.