Son of a what?

On a lovely Sunday evening like this one killing a dog, is something that I never thought would happen. BUT…

He goes by the name Rough, a year old Boerbull, who dazzles in his brown and shiny coat.You’d never catch him chasing his own tail, nope not our Rough. He is noble but intimidating. He barely barks at anything, unless if its shadows at night, he is shit scared of those… I am too!

‘Rough and tough’ as my younger brother often exclaims. I loved him as a puppy he was cute, still is, but that changed after two bras, three skirts and my pink slipper of mine.

He ate them! 

He’s intelligent to a certain degree, but sometimes too smart to fit his pants, that’s if he’ll ever have those. I’m good at sewing but I’d never make that son of a bitch a pair ( how good it feels to know that I’m not swearing) and besides who’d want to make a pair of four-legged pants. Not me!

Anyways due to our very complicated family dynamics sometimes laundry day falls on a Sunday. When I hang the clothes on the line he stands patiently beside me, till I finish.

Sweet right?…. Then when dawn falls, he pulls the clothes off the hanging line, dragging them on the soil ground only to leave them at our front door, he doesn’t damage it …usually…especially if it is not mine.

I get very cross with him and am always on the verge of beating him to death, but when I look into his eyes, I realize he was only trying to help.

Sometimes a task may look easier than what it actually is.So unless if you know what you’re doing, don’t do it! You might think you’re making things better…when you’re actually making them even worse, it may even cost you a pair of pants or even your life.

No animals were harmed in the making of this article.

Trust me I haven’t killed him…yet (evil laugh)

 

 

 

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“How couldn’t I see it coming?” Please…

What he is now, is what he’s always been, you just didn’t want to see it.

I’ve learned amongst the thousand other things, that love is not blind. Not blind at all.

Infatuation ? maybe…

I have realized that all the people I love have one thing in common; there is something about them that annoys me, but I still keep them in my life simply because, the “highs” exceed the “lows”.

Love is seeing the good the bad and the in between, and choosing to let them stay anyway because were happy with them, rather than without. My guy, handsome, smart chocolate fellow (the butterflies I get when I think of him) has his flaws too and has made me frown once or twice, but because he’s the reason I smile, for the most part, makes me stay.

Most people refer to the exes as dogs and a**holes, why not see him as one when you’re still dating?

Chances are if he is one, he’s shown signs of being one in the relationship. Perhaps you didn’t want to take note of it. When we fall in love, we see all the good in a person, and should they ever do wrong we quick to make an excuse for them. Most people fail to confront their loved ones, fearing the worst which is losing them. The truth is all this is deeply rooted with our self-worth, if we love ourselves enough to evaluate every person we engage with, and how our interaction with them makes us feel, then we’ll ask ourselves that question. in the end of it all.

So is love really blind?

It will be if we choose to let it be.

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He already knew what I was
Born and bred in the rocks and dirt
To be embedded in gold
Way before,  I knew it

He knew I was a diamond,

A diamond in the rough.
He already knew what I was
Though tested and failed a few times
Not to expose the fool I am
But to reveal his genius when I finally get it right.
He knows me as a winner.

He knew where I was going before I even planned the journey
He didn’t promise that weapon against me wouldn’t form
He just promised they wouldn’t prosper.

Be blessed dear reader. Thanks for stopping by.

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INTELLIGENT
They’ve always said it
I always doubt it

BEAUTIFUL
I’ve been to the mirror
That’s not what I saw though

<<HE SAID TO ME>>

REDEEMED
You are by my grace.
Look at all the good you are

LOVED
You are
In all so many ways.

Oh dear child, life you were promised But no one ever promised it would be fair.

 

 

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Subtle goodbyes of one warrior to another.
What was, no longer is.
The last kiss for the end of the war.
“Sleep tight”
“Okay then goodnight ”
It was done, they were over.

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So I held it as if doing something of importance,  when I all I did was just scroll up and down my contacts just to see your name.

Hours later,  I would delete the thousand word long letter confessing my love for you, words that kept screaming in my head.

“Over a Nigga that don’t even check to see if you’re home safely? ”
Tears drop, as if asking for self-pity,  I remembered how true that was.
He never cared, he never bothered because if he did, I wouldn’t be doing this.

But, then again the next person cannot tell. They don’t know about me,  they don’t know about you and me, so I’ll keep smiling at this gadget of mine, in the nostalgia of what we once had.

They’ll never know. They’ll think I’m just yet another teenager so engulfed, so wrapped around their lover.

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Hours past my bedtime , numbly shuffling fingers down my screen  “face-looking” at peers,  “paging” their “embrace-booking” Facebook accounts.

“Mmm , she’s grown”(LOVE THIS) 😉❤…”well , well,  well,  look at him”(MEEH)😕😑…”cute pic! ( I LIKE)👍”…. “hehe, I like your face( I LIKE)😉👍… making all these comments, liking this , liking that , LOLing  this,  then that , but it all isn’t fun to me anymore. I do that because I remember how it….

…I was 13 years old….it was all I lived for, my esteem depended on it. I would secretly tally my popularity day by day . it made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside seeing the number of likes slowly rising week by week ( …It sort of still does, just in a different way now), but pay attention to my take home message. This is all false confidence  and it kills. It will at some point, at least to someone who is like me.

I would often spend time , working on a perfect selfie (my phone had no frontal camera,  give me credit,  the struggle was for real). A step to the left , another to the right,  “Is this right?”…routinal motion that  became worship to the” selfie Gods” , all in the name of  beauty,  the smart , and the bubbly spirit. Amen!

Soon enough, after a good struggle in the bathroom for the perfect angle, lighting and pose…”image successfully uploaded “….  It felt good being ‘beautiful ‘ ,  being ‘cray ‘, being ‘smart’.

Was I? Am I? Or am I just slowly distorting my truest self? Trying very hard to fulfill a fantasy,  forge a life with no worries.

Truth is, when reality shows its sometimes ugly face, you cannot respond accordingly. When you have to face confrontations , disappointments , or even real life compliments all  that happens is just an electric shock of nerves, a chill down your spine when you can’t respond with an emoji .

Well, that’s what happened to me, to say the least.  It sucks,especially because all those years , practising to be antisocial,  I thought I was a social butterfly. Yes , I was . A social media butterfly and a real life lifeless chrysalis… maybe that isn’t all bad I have always loved butterflies anyways, but spreading my wings to become an eagle appeals to me even more.

So , at least to those that like that, thumbs up I like your face!😉👍

Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BURNT

“LIKE A MOTH DRAWN TO A FLAME, I AM  ON MY WAY TO BEING BURNED ONCE AGAIN”_ Prime Circle

Can you hear Zayn’s song ‘pillow talk ‘ in the background? Oh, I hope you can. I hope you can feel my palpitating heart…. I hope you can feel my heat as I feverishly sweat. I hope you can taste the 2-hour old coffee  I hope you can also see its sticky, bitter-sweet drips, where my lips should have been… 2hours ago.

Can you see me gulp down the mug of my life supply …coffee?

Someone, please tell me you can.

Adulthood

It’s clear to see that I’m growing psychologically, emotionally, and (clears throat) HORIZONTALLY. I have had a good taste of adulthood, and well shit is rough around here. I wish there was an antidote, but I guess coffee will do for now (isn’t that why we “all” drink coffee?)

I look back to this very day a year ago. I was still in school, I still am, varsity is like school too I guess, but school on steroids, that’s if the school were a body builder(but it builds the mind, and this is part of the body, so I guess it is after all!)

 

…Anyway last year I knew not what I know now, an example would be a random concept like “heat”. The person I was last year didn’t give any thought to such, I didn’t have too, I didn’t know how to. Heat, by the way, can define as “the random motion of particles”, so if that’s true, does coldness mean that the particles are stationary? If so, then…. haha well I refuse to think through that scientifically, so I’ll just stick to being “lazy and cold” by definition.

 

Time feels as though it is moving too fast for my slow paced life, and sometimes too slow for my fast paced brain( who am I kidding ,if my brain were fast paced well, let’s not go there, at least for now, I’ll give you a dose of crazy just not today). I’m just trying to say that a lot of things have changed, in a very short space of time. I need to find my calm again, I need to find my tranquil state of being once again.

 

Chase for chaos

For some strange, mysterious reason, however, I can’t seem to get there. I always get close to the place, but then go passed it, and when I try to reverse I still go passed it again. It seems I’m always a step closer to it, but as I try to take that very one step, I leap 10 more. So I thought well isn’t that what life is? They say “it’s about the journey, not the destination” I’ll just enjoy the ride, while the offer still stands (life is too short, seriously). It remains to be seen whether I’ll make it to the finish line or not, but being in the race is exciting enough, so well go ahead and give me my damn prize already!

Okay, I’m sorry pretty please, please….anyone.

 

Can someone tell me that I’m not being burnt out for nothing, well maybe I already know I’m not? Maybe that’s why I am still part of the chase, as much as it burns, I have no purpose without it, just like a moth drawn to a flame.

 

So be sure to feel the burn, thank you for reading.